Have you ever been “this close” to hitting your child out of frustration because he/she just would not listen to you? Did you find yourself wondering what happened to the days when kids respected their parents? Maybe you even grew up in a house where you didn’t speak up “or else” (and we all know what that means). Hitting is effective. It normally gets a child to stop whatever behavior is happening that you don’t like. But be warned, it comes with consequences. I’m not talking about the Child Protective Services kind. I’m talking about the damage that hitting a child does to your relationship with them. They may appear to respect you following the incident but be assured that you are mistaking fear for respect. If your kids fear you they are less likely to confide in you and this is not what you want as a parent. You especially don’t want this in the day and age where kids are committing suicide or hurting others. You may be asking what you can do then if hitting isn’t an option. Great question! Here are some ways to promote respect in the relationship you have with your kids.

1. Stop arguing with your kids. You are the parent and therefore you are the role model. When your kids effectively bait you into an argument two things are happening. First, they are learning that they should fight for what they want in the relationship, so be prepared for more fights. Second, they are seeing that you are flappable and at times they may even wear you down into giving in (the ULTIMATE KISS OF DEATH). If your child asks for something and the answer is no the conversation is over (this is a case where the topic is not open for discussion/negotiation). Gently remind him/her after the first time the question is asked that you “already answered it and if they ask again there will be a consequence”. Then plan an appropriate consequence because initially, most likely, they will test you out and ask again. Ideas for consequences include: loss of video game, loss of dessert, early bedtime, and no after school playing with friends.
2. Stop using the motto “do as I say and not as I do” in your relationship with your kid. Never works. They will see your behavior and copy it every time!
3. Don’t back down once you have stated a consequence. Be firm. You can always lessen it later for “good behavior” but if you give a consequence and don’t follow up because you are too busy, etc., the kid won’t respect your consequences and eventually won’t respect consequences in general. NOTE OF CAUTION: If you are in a two parent situation be on the same page with this. Kids are quick to “split” their parents if they think they can. Always be on the same page in front of the kid and disagree about what went down out of earshot of your kid.
4. Be humble. It’s great to say you are sorry. The kids will respect your demonstration of humility, honesty, and respect towards them. Of course, do your best not to make that mistake again, whatever it was.
5. Engage your kids in meaningful and purposeful conversations. Be interested in what is happening in their lives. Spend time with them WITHOUT your electronics to distract you. When you show a genuine interest in them they will respect you more.

If you would like to learn more about these techniques and others please feel free to reach out to Conscious Living Counseling for an appointment, or call for a free phone consultation.
As always, take care of yourself,
Christine

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Conscious Living Counseling